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The Bloated Pig - A Place for Weary Flingers Page 3039
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159738 Comments
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OK, I used to do lots of stuff here, including the list, but I gave up. Long story and no point at pointing fingers. Sorry Brian
Go for mirror world, you will do it -
@kathy, taken the crown from your head xx
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Guess @BrianN and @DesperateDan don't know we are best in business??
@karen68 doesn't get notifications, hmm what to do??? -
Hey @hunnybunny I never point the finger, you've always got four pointing right back at ya. By the way I think @desperatedan's statistical analysis of his ABO scores broke the internet. Oops, is that me pointing the finger?
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Anyways @hunnybunny this is the BP. It's the place for long stories. Bet it was@kathy, she upsets everyone around here. I point the finger a lot don't I?
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Woot!
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Pulled up into a quiet layby(or so I thought) for lunch yesterday. Just about to tuck into lunch when BOOM!! Off went one of those air guns farmers use to frighten off the birds. I swear it must have been situated right next to my lughole. The birds didn't seem too bothered. Me? I nearly did a William Shatner. Egg and tomato everywhere. You think it's funny don't you? The yolk's on me is it? Well let's see who ends up with egg on their face.
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I'd tell a joke but it would only egg Brian on.
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I'm feeling a little ghoulish today. Have decided to make a creature out of sports stars body parts. This is what I have so far working from top to bottom :
John O'Hare(Eng footballer)
Freddy Head(French jockey)
Brian Brain(Eng cricketer)
Alan Shoulder(Eng footballer)
John Hart(Eng footballer)
Declan Kidney (Irish Rugby)
Daniel Lung(Rumanian footballer)
Miguel Colon(Spanish footballer)
Colin Bell(Eng footballer)
Alan Ball
Lots of dicks
David Willey(Eng cricketer)
Bum ka Cha(Korean footballer)
My personal favourite as you get 4 for the price of one :
Tony Armas(US baseball)
Feel free to donate your organs. Now, is there a match on tonight? -
@BrianN and @DesperateDan happy you both found your day back in!
Brian as usual, I don't get your list of creature stars! Don't bother to explain lol, it's over my head probably.
Suddenly I just got very tired .. very suddenly.. -
A guy meets the most beautiful woman he has ever seen
“Will you marry me tomorrow?”
“We don’t know each other”
“But will learn about each everyday”
She agrees
On Honeymoon in Mexico, he climbs to the highest diving board, does a double back flip, three somersaults, and the most perfect pike straight into the swimming pool
“I was a Gold Medal winner at The Olympics”
She gets into the pool and swims freestyle for seventy five lengths in record breaking time
“So you were an Olympian too?”
“No, a prostitute, who worked both sides of The Thames” -
I am speechless.
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See what you've done now @hunnybunny, @desperatedan's speechless. That never happens, keep up the good work.
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Lunch Report
Quite a hissy fit in our garden last night. Our back wall seems to be a bit of a Checkpoint Charlie for the local kitty's, I've seen at least 5 different ones passing thru. When they meet it's normally amicable, someone must have sniffed the wrong butt last night. (Oh wait that's dogs isn't it?)
One in particular reminds me of my fav cat. Smokey brown short hair with googly yellow eyes called Sally. Very playful critter she liked nothing more than to jump off the top of my wardrobe and land on my stomach as I lay sleeping.
Of course I pranked her right back. One time she was asleep on top of an armchair and I jumped right in front of her shouting at the same time. Within a millisecond from being fast asleep she sprung about 3ft straight upwards and on her way down she hung on to the top of chair so all I could see were her claws. Then she slowly pulled herself up and as her little head appeared she looked at me with those googly eyes all pink and bloodshot as if to say "You think that's funny,? Just wait till 3.00am."
I do miss my Sally, she was like the sister I never had... er wait I do have a sister.. sorry sis... think I'd better eat lunch. -
Hey @tompuss how are you? Lurking I presume. I'd love to hear your critical appraisal of the dance moves in the following video. I reckon Ashley Banjo might struggle but Nureyev in his pomp could just pull it off. Let me know what you think.
https://youtu.be/360FUb_xh-I -
We are chasing what may well be a very dodgy high score in the Rio Challenge today. Way way out in front, no apparent proof, don't know why it's been allowed to stand. @comex666 not a happy bunny.
Still speechless about @hunnybunny's joke though. -
I think I am going to register @twiggy as a new Nest member. Then she can prod my phone with her paws and presumably get some better scores than me.
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Where oh where were the Germans? And frankly, who cares?
Could they be going home tonight?
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Boris Johnson walks into a bank to cash a cheque.
“Good morning”, says Boris, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”
Boris : “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Boris Johnson , Prime Minister, strong and stable !!”
Cashier: “Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.
Boris : “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
Cashier: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.
Boris: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Rory McIlroy came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Rory McIlroy he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Rory McIlroy and we cashed his cheque.
On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.
Boris just stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single effing thing that I’m any good at.”
Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Johnson??"..... -
Well @desperatedan it's Eng v Germany.. If it was a world war I know who my money would be on. Football not so much.
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As regards vi77king's score I can recall @catsnbirds saying that back in ye olden days when dinosaurs roamed the earth no proof of score was required so if it's an old score I think it dhould stand otherwise a lot of scores would be rubbed out.
If on the other hand it's a more recent score then it should be subject to the same rules as everyone else. Proof of score should be required. On that point is it possible to find out when a particular score was posted? -
Hey @hunnybunny you're determined to keep @desperatedan quiet. Can I give you some advice? Never moon at a werewolf.
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@hunnybunny, you have redeemed yourself.
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See that @vik77ing has been active in the last 24 hours. Maybe somebody should ask. But I am not after a witch hunt. Almost by definition all top scores are flukes, and his score is theoretically possible - there is certainly enough material to get the points.
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Every level has that million to one shot in it. Whoever nails it sets up a score way above anyone else. Unless there is suspicious activity on other levels probably best left alone, although they could have posted a note saying how it went so well.
Others have top scores with no screen shot or strat. E. G Andy, he's been killing it in Seasons. I only noticed because the sheriff called on me twice in Ham Dunk. No comments or screen shots. He used to but I recall reading a few walk through comments indicating some kind of fall out with admin. So I don't think we should pick on one guy. And I'm sure Andy is legit BTW. -
Arrgghh, no footy for a couple of days!
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Last joke, for a while, I can’t remember that many good ones
Dan has a painful elbow
Brian says “Go to Tesco, they have a urine testing machine, you put a sample in, and it tells you what it is”
Dan is sceptical, but pours his urine sample
The machine says “You have Tennis Elbow, rest the arm, buy our ibuprofen gel, aisle six, Thank You for shopping with Tesco”
Dan then decides to f**k up the urine testing machine
He makes a liquid of his urine, his wife’s, his daughters, cat poo, dog poo, and his sons
He pours it in
“Your dog has ringworm, aisle seven, the cat has has fleas, also aisle seven. Your daughter is having sex with a boy. Condoms aisle eight. Your son is gay, but happy. Your wife is pregnant with twins. Not yours, we recommend CJCH Solicitors. Thank you for Shopping with Tesco”
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Hey @hunnybunny, you realise @desperatedan will be speechless again.
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You'll like this one @hunnybunny.
I think my best pal has starting sleeping with my wife. He's been really miserable lately. (cue Eastenders music @ixan57). -
I'm taking @twiggy to the groomers tomorrow. I'd tell you more but it would be a shaggy dog story.
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Ok, I'm now speechless again. More Boris jokes please. Or Trump will do. But he's not funny at all. Not any more. Think I can say that because he's made the transition from politics back to celebrity.
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@Hunnybunny Those jokes were great!!
Sorry guys, I can't catch up, but lurking all day I see all 8>) -
I'm still worrying about Colin Bell @brianN.
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You probably know @desperatedan that the FA Cup starts in August with a gazillion teams playing in preliminary rounds. I never knew this but Master Chef follows the same procedure. Here's an old clip from the Lloyd Grosman years showing an early eliminator from Derbyshire:
https://youtu.be/Os82UYqssSc -
Cheer on Wales tomorrow, please
I went to the same school (obviously much later - if you believe that, you’d believe anything) as Gareth Bale, Geraint Thomas and Sam Warburton
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@HunnyBunny come on the Welsh. Think we playing Japanese tomorrow, that will be a laugh
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