Seniors on Angry Birds Nest Page 7
  • 1086 Comments
  • WereWolf69WereWolf69
    A Hillbilly and his wife go to the Town Doctor and say to him, Doc, we've got a problem, it's just that every year we're having children and more children, heck we've got 11 as it is, and we just can't handle it anymore, so what can you do for us? The Doctor then proceeds to run a battery of tests on the couple and after a few hours tells the man that there's nothing wrong with them, he then hands the man a box of prophylactics and says, from now on before going to bed you take one of these and slip it on your organ and that should help you to avoid having any more children.

    So the Hillbilly couple leave real happy and go home. Four months later the Hillbillies are back at the Doctor complaining that the plan didn't work because she was pregnant again, so the Doctor asks them, did you do exactly as I told you and slip the prophylactic on your organ every night before going to bed? To which the Hillbilly replied, well Doc, not exactly, you see, the thing is we're poor folks and can't afford an Organ, so I slipped it on my Banjo.........
  • bird addictbird addict
    A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
    family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain,
    they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
    birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
    wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
    twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
  • WereWolf69WereWolf69
    @birdaddict, that's a very good play on words.
  • bird addictbird addict
    Just following your lead!
  • cosmo2503cosmo2503
    @birdaddict as non English speaker I'd love if you could tell me what joke was about. It seems like it is good play on words (kind of jokes that I love), but I simply don't understand.
  • KimmiecvKimmiecv
    Hey @cosmo! :) indeed it is a play on words and one of my fav jokes, I never stop laughing when this one pops up! Let's see if I can help, it means as they are twins and likely look the same the correct wording would be if you've seen one you've seen them both, but in the US it's a saying: if you've seen one you've seen them all so yep it's a play on words! :) hope that makes more sense?!
  • cosmo2503cosmo2503
    Thanks @kimmie perfectly explained.
  • LiskoLisko
    Sorry for bumping in to the seniors territory, but just had to pop in and say A BIG THANKS for all those jokes, I've been laughing so hard that I almost fell off the chair :D
  • mvnla2mvnla2
    Hi @Lisko -- Visitors welcome, as long as you kids don't try to convince us you are seniors.
  • MumsieMumsie
    @Bird addict. Roflmao! Great one!
  • LiskoLisko
    @mvnla2 - Haha, I'm not even 29! I don't want to be a senior just now when I'm enjoying life with that Little Monster :D

    Okay, I'm out of here (though I keep coming back 'cause of the jokes)!

    @Seniors - Keep up the great work you're doing! (and I thought that AB would be a game for teenagers, now I'm feeling mostly like an idiot :D)
  • MumsieMumsie
    Four widow ladies in a retirement home, sitting outside, enjoying the day.
    A new man walks up and says hello. One lady says "Are you new here?"

    "Yes", he replied.

    Another lady asks "Where did you live before you moved here?"

    "I was in federal prison".

    The third lady asked "What were you in prison for?"

    "I killed my wife", he said.

    The fourth widow then remarked, "So, you're single?"
  • WereWolf69WereWolf69
    An airplane carrying a Symphonic Orchestra is flying over the Congo on its way to South Africa when all of a sudden the engines abruptly shut down, sending the airplane spiraling towards the ground, whereupon it crashes.

    After a while, a single survivor emerges from the wreckage carrying a Violin, he surveys the crash site and looks for other survivors, but, alas, there are none. He figures that being in the middle of the jungle there must be a village nearby, and so looks at the Sun and deduces the way South.

    Off he goes walking through the jungle when all of a sudden he sees a Leopard charging towards him, "so he thinks to himself, if I'm going to die in the middle of this forsaken jungle, I'll die playing my Violin" he turns his back to the leopard and starts playing, about 2 minutes go by and nothing's happened, so he turns around to see the leopard lying down with his chin on his paws entranced by the soothing music, "again he thinks to himself, this is amazing, even out here in the jungle the animals appreciate fine music" he then proceeds to continue walking, takes about ten steps, then sees a Rhinoceros charging towards him, so he then turns his back to the rhino and starts playing his Violin, again, after a couple of minutes nothing's happened, so he turns around to see the rhino lying next to the leopard intently listening to the soothing music.

    "He thinks to himself, I'm unstoppable, at this rate I'll make it out of the jungle" so he starts walking again, takes about another ten steps, then sees a huge male Lion charging towards him, so he turns around and starts playing again, but this time the lion roars, bites him and shreds him to pieces...the Leopard then looks at the Rhino and says, I knew it!, I just knew that once that Deaf Lion came around, he'd spoil the Concert for us........
  • bird addictbird addict
    Ok my turn for ROFLMAO! Great one @werewolf! Great one @Mumsie!
    I'm thinking maybe we should start a joke forum. Hmmmm didn't I see one? Best go look, but seems there's an AB joke forum. Or is it best to keep them here so we can have the x-rated ones? Doesn't matter to me as long as everyone else is ok with us filling the pages with jokes.
  • bird addictbird addict
    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

    Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

    "No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
  • WereWolf69WereWolf69
    @birdaddict, I've heard that one before, but the ending was different, the way I heard it was " I'm with the Jewish Home for the Aged".

    No insult intended, it was the way I heard it.
  • bird addictbird addict
    @werewolf errr, ummmm...you'd have to explain that ending to me - I don't get it??? It doesn't seem to tie in. Or else I'm just thick.
  • fire bomb birdfire bomb bird
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  • HunnybunnyHunnybunny
    A couple in their sixties go to a restaurant to celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary. They sit at a table holding hands and smiling at each other whilst waiting for their meal to be served. After a while, poof, a fairy appears. The fairy says "We in fairyland are so impressed at your loving ways towards each other, after all these years, I have been sent to grant you each a wish"
    The wife says "Oh thank you, we have always wanted to do a world cruise, but have never had enough money, so that would be my wish" Poof, two tickets for the next Cunard world cruise appear on the table.
    The husband says "Sorry, my dear, but my wish is for a wife 30 years younger than me"
    Both the wife and the fairy look disappointed, but, poof, the fairy grants his wish and the husband suddenly turns into a ninety three year old man.
    The moral of the story is: men are ungrateful b******s and fairies are always women
  • bird addictbird addict
    HahahahahahAhahahahahahahahahaha great one @Hunnybunny!!! And here I was expecting the fairy would turn the wife 30 yrs younger,(as opposed to giving him a new and younger wife). But the actual ending is hilarious!
  • bird addictbird addict
    An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

    A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

    "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

    "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

    "A rose?" asked the neighbor.

    "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
  • HunnybunnyHunnybunny
    An elderly couple, both with dementia, were sat together one evening and the husband turned to the wife and asked whether she fancied some supper.
    "That would be nice," she said, "what have we got?"
    "Bacon and eggs, soup or cheese and biscuits"
    She thought for a moment, and replied, "Cheese and biscuits I think"
    The husband goes to kitchen and comes back fifteen minutes later with a plate of bacon and eggs.
    "Oh" she said, "I knew this would happen, you've forgotten the toast."
  • WereWolf69WereWolf69
    Excellent, excellent work by @birdaddict and @hunnybunny
  • KathyKathy
    @werewolf kinda inappropriate for a public forum dontcha think..
  • KimmiecvKimmiecv
    Way to clear out a forum there werehurl!! :/
  • KimmiecvKimmiecv
    Erm @Bird-addict in order to so what you suggested well that'd be a LOT of KitKat .'s!! LOL :D Better to get the party restarted by chatter dontcha think?? I'll bite.....oh wait I already did!! Heehee :D
  • bird addictbird addict
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  • bird addictbird addict
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  • bird addictbird addict
    I always wanted to that!
  • KimmiecvKimmiecv
    Yeah I think that's not a great idea for the remainder though @Bird-addict I remember someone, I think it was tas, did that to get to a new page and got into trouble for it.
  • bird addictbird addict
    Hic...too many mind erasers lol See, I warned me about those things! ...try again:
    I always wanted to do that! (That's better)
    This is how we use a page up!
  • bird addictbird addict
    .
  • bird addictbird addict
    Really?
  • bird addictbird addict
    It's fun!
  • KimmiecvKimmiecv
    And it's your neck in the noose so do what you want.......
  • bird addictbird addict
    Three old guys are out walking.
    First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
    Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
    Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
  • KimmiecvKimmiecv
    Erm huh? LOL
  • KimmiecvKimmiecv
    Children's Sermon

    A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

    Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

    The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
    It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the sermon to continue.
  • KimmiecvKimmiecv

    Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

    The conversation went like this:

    "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

    " And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

    There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

    Father O'Malley then replied: " A ye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
  • bird addictbird addict
    Hahahaha Love the Baptist pastor joke! That's a great one, thanx
    The Father O'Malley is a good one too, but didn't we just get that from someone else?
    Resurrection lasting more than four hours call the doc..hahahahahaha that reminds of premature emailation!
  • KimmiecvKimmiecv
    I think you remember it because I sent it to you before! :) Glad you liked them! They had me doing the @Kathy Rthingy so I figured I'd share and help get the ball rolling again with you since werehurl scared everyone off! ;D
  • SunFlowerSunFlower
    Have to add myself here: am 53, female, started to play AB a year ago, play frequently, but not obsessive and want to have all my 3*** on iPad as well as iPhone. AB is obviously great for all ages and professions - I am a judge, QUITE busy and AB is perfect to relax :-)
  • mvnla2mvnla2
    @Sunflower -- Welcome to the Seniors' forum and ABN. I see you're a relatively new member, which would explain why you say you're not an obsessive player. Give it a little more time; compete on the leaderboards, and you'll be ready to join Angry Birds Anonymous (another forum).
  • KewpieKewpie
    Another new face: 68, female, bought the first 4 for PC (and still grumpily waiting for the missing levels), done them all to 3*** and now working my way through a set of leaderboards. Almost completed 3*** on Original for Android, although my arthritic fingers and poor eyesight make it less fun there. Did the 3*** thing on Original and Seasons twice from scratch, by deliberately deleting my highscores file, before I discovered leaderboards. Definitely an obsessive.
  • KathyKathy
    Welcome to the Nest @Sunflower and @kewpie:)
    I agree ab is great relaxation for all ages:) and not only is the game obsessing the nest is equally lol
    Once you start exploring the different forums and competing on the leaderboards you'll be hooked..
    I was here quite some time before i dared chatting, and almost a year before entering score on board, but once you do you'll find it like family here:)
    Check out the bloated pig in the forum it is a virtual pub where we Pop in and chat,:)
    Have fun:)
  • bird addictbird addict
    Welcome@SunFlower and @Kewpie! Hope you enjoy the friendly chatter. Lots of folks here to help with any questions you may have. This forum has become a great place to post jokes so if you have any please share!
  • bird addictbird addict
    A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
    installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
    withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
    facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
    accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
    FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
    steps for your gender."

    MALE PROCEDURE

    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    FEMALE PROCEDURE

    1. Drive up to cash machine.

    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

    8. Insert card.

    9. Re-insert card the right way.

    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

    11. Enter PIN.

    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

    13. Enter amount of cash required.

    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

    17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

    18. Re-check makeup.

    19. Drive forward 2 feet.

    20. Reverse back to cash machine.

    21. Retrieve card.

    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

    23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

    25. Redial person on cell phone.

    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

    27. Release Parking Brake.
  • bird addictbird addict
    Unusual Funeral

    A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
    morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
    approaching the nearby cemetery.

    A long black hearse was followed by a second long
    black hearse about 50 feet behind the
    first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
    woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
    back, were about 200 women walking single file.

    The woman was so curious that she respectfully
    approached the woman walking the dog and said,
    "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
    bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
    Whose
    funeral is it?"

    "My husband's."

    "What happened to him?"

    The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

    She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

    The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
    trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

    A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    "Get in line."
  • MumsieMumsie
    Hi @kewpie & @sunflower! Belated welcome to the Seniors - I wonder how long it will be before @sunflower will reach obsessive? It wasn't til I joined ABN that it happened to be! Have either of you visited BP yet? It's a very relaxed, fun place to visit.
    @birdaddict - thanks for the laughs!
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