Don't be shy! It's a forum, say something
Seniors on Angry Birds Nest Page 8
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1086 Comments
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Hi @Mumsie! Good morning to you. You're so right. ABN is much more obsessive than the birds (shhhh, don't tell anyone I said that). It's 1am my time so I'm off to my pillow walk. Trying to get there earlier than I have been and so far not succeeding. Still have to visit draw, lol. Laters
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A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
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@bird addict love the funeral joke
Even He Who Does Not Fling laughed, although he did look slightly worried! -
An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar. It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.
When he arrived at his front door, he realized he didn’t have his keys, which were in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom. He walked back to the restaurant and found his jacket in the men’s room, and realized he’d left his hat on the table. He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked, “Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”
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Hahahahaaahahahaahaa love em!! I've got one to add to the funny train!!
The Deaf Wife Problem
Bob feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'For Heaven'’s sake, Bob, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN! -
This is not a place to chat, you can make a forum for telling a joke or go to the BP
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@firebombbird first of all that was quite rude, second yes it is a place to chat and third your far to young to even be in here, it's for seniors not teens. Please refrain from telling people what they can do especially if you don't know what your talking about.
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Hmmm I thought this is a place for people talking about their age
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Yes it is as well as other things @firebombbird but it is a forum that was made for seniors not for teens, and we will talk about anything we want to in this forum that isn't against ABN rules and if we want to post jokes here we will do so.
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Particularly seniors' jokes - we tell good stories on ourselves. I think it's a reaction against becoming invisible at 50, as Germaine Greer said. (I need a break from trying to crack an average for two whole days now!)
{later} I've just experienced the magic whine effect - second try got me 4000 more points! -
Okay, Im out
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Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth to a woman and he takes his very life into his own hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
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A man goes to confession
"Father, I have sinned"
"What sin have you committed?"
"I saw my wife bending over the freezer, she looked so attractive, so sexy, so available. I'm afraid I just had to take her from behind"
"That is not a sin, you are lawfully married. God will forgive you"
"My wife won't, we're banned from Marks and Spencer's forever" -
Hahaha thanks @Hunnybunny! Curiously had me looking up Marks and Spencer's online. Nice store. Thanks for the joke :D
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...and spell checker decided I wanted to say curiously instead of curiosity...
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Yes, I am a real senior over 65+ and am completely in love with Angry Birds! It is my first video game. Last year I had a total left knee replacement and was in the hospital for one week and then home for 2 months with not much to do but learn Angry Birds on my ipad. It took my mind off pain and missing my art studio. The birds and pigs and their inventive scenarios always make me laugh. (except for Rio and the creepy monkeys). Space and Star Wars are very challenging!
Found Angry Birds Nest by chance and liked the friendly and helpful approach to the Walkthroughs. Thanks so much! I've three-starred in most everything and now have to attempt the Feathers, Golden Eggs and the Falcons. -
Welcome to the Nest @Volare :) happy you found this forum..
Same thing kinda happen with me..about 2 years ago i had been dabbling at angry birds..then i had surgery and out of work for months ..i quickly became obsessed with 3 starring every episode looking for help i found the nest:)
I was shy for a while but saw how friendly and helpful everyone here is so decided to say hello
Then i was also thinking i would never compete on leaderboard , everyone seemed so much better of a shooter than i, but eventually i dared and needless to say I'm hooked..lol
Don't know what's more addicting the game or the nest?
If you find a forum called the Bloated Pig..come on in its a virtual pub where we get together and chat away about our flinging or just about anything
Have a drink some food and make friends:) , it's not a real time chat room but be sure if you comment someone Will see..check out page one of the BP for explanation of how and why it was created..tell anyone there Kathy sent you..first drink on the house oh btw i am 54:)
Nice to meet you..
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@ceezee @Volare -- Welcome to the nest! I like your avatar; what kind of bird is it? If you want it to show in forum as well as in main site, you need to use Gravatar. There is a forum that explains how to do it. Glad you decided to join, and hope you become as addicted as the rest of us. (There is a forum for AB addicts also, : ) . )
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A young couple are sadly killed in a car accident the day before their wedding. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, they ask St. Peter if they can be married in Heaven. St. Peter says he will find out.
Three long months pass. St. Peter finally comes back, looking bedraggled, tried, hungry, unkempt.
Yes he says, go can get married in heaven.
The couple then ask, if it doesn't work out, can we get divorced?
St. Peter replies: it took me three months to find a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer? -
@hunnybunny thank you for the last couple of jokes! My parentage and I got a Huge laugh!! :D
Welcome to ABN @volare I hope you enjoy yourself here at the Nest and make lots of great friends!! :) -
The new Pope was finishing his sermon. Being inclusive, he ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noted that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" ... Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti." -
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left bréast."
Later that night ........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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WAHAHAHAAAHA I beg to differ @mvnla2!! That one had me LOL enough my neighbours are likely thinking oh boy she's at it again!! Maybe it's because I've seen erm large breasted older ladies with boobies down past their knees that I got far to good a visual of just that thing happening!! Heehee @mumsie42 keep em coming!! My Mom and I will unfortunately likely be in that category if we ever hit our 90s!! So she'll get a good laugh out of that one too!! LOL :D
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A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the pastor. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
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Ha, @mumsie, brilliant:D
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@AngerManagement what on earth are you doing in the Seniors Forum!
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@mumsie, well, erm...I don't really know, I guess you're all to funny to ignore ;D
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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ROFLMAO! Great ones :D guess its about time I make an appearance back here. @Hunnybunny, @Mumsie and @Kimmiecv thanks for the funnies!
@Volare welcome to the nest - nice to meet you. Has @mvnla2 talked to you about the members map yet? -
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!" -
Back to the subject of the English language - and may I just say how awed I am by all the nesters whose first language is not English!
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so.......it is time to shut UP!
& it's UP to you what you do with all this info! -
@Mumsie, wish I hadn't messed-UP my foot when I stepped down! When I finally got home after finishing UP dinner with my gf's I put my foot UP and downed some aspirin. It's still swollen Up but I hope it soon goes down. Makes it very difficult for me to go UP and down the stairs. And for now I can't boot my iPad UP 'cause the battery went down. But as soon as the battery is charged UP enough my mood will follow. *poof*
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Keep 'Em Dry
One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.
The lady asked, "What's that for?" He replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The lady said, "That's a pretty nifty idea."
The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms.
She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"
The old lady smiled and replied,
"I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."
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Not a joke, real senior life.
He Who Does Not Fling (and at this point I have to reveal his name: Mike) kept reminding a forgetful friend it was my birthday at the end of the week, and to send me a card.
Forgetful friend turned up at the pub yesterday and proudly presented to me a birthday card for Mike
One day it'll come to us all -
@Hunnybunny -- I think that's why there are so many seniors on the nest -- AB keeps our minds sharp. And our fellow nest-mates keep providing us with new stuff to learn.
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LOL @hunnybunny :D That was as funny as a joke, maybe not to the guy though eh?! Sounds like you had a wonderful birthday!! Even without a card from said friend!! ;D
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Why I fired my Secretary on my retirement
Last week was my retirement
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy retirement!"
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy retirement."
I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy retirement!"
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your retirement,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge retirement cake…
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all shouting " Happy retirement!"
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
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