The Bloated Pig - A Place for Weary Flingers Page 3048
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  • HunnybunnyHunnybunny
    A guy wakes up in a hospital bed, covered in bandages
    The doctor says ‘I see you have woken up. I expect you have no memory of the car crash. You are OK, you can walk, and talk, and do anything you did before the crash. Unfortunately, your penis is missing”
    The guy sighs, long and hard
    “But, no worries, you have health insurance up to £9000. We can rebuild your penis. But it’s expensive, £1000 per inch. You must consult your wife. Would she want it bigger, smaller, fatter, thinner? What ever suits her”
    The next day the doctor asks “And what did your wife decide?”
    “New granite work tops”
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    @hunnybunny, pure filth as usual. especially the subliminal 4th line.
    @catsnbirds, Michael Stipe is exactly one day older than me. But, yes 30 years is just ridiculous. I'm sure it was just last Thursday.
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    This one is even older. Absolutely love some of their really early stuff.
    https://youtu.be/msWi0c4tHV8
  • KathyKathy
    And I missed it!! @Hunnybunny comes in with a absolutely hilarious joke and steals the crown!
    @ixan57 grabs the Fez with a good joke poked at @BrianN :)
    And special thanks to OB for keeping the political bullies out!
    Exactly the song I was thinking of @DesperateDan, @Catsnbirds you know me well ;)
  • catsnbirdscatsnbirds
    @DesperateDan Ha! I knew you were a youngster!
    So. A man decides to clone himself to have help at work. But it turns out that the clone doesn’t see himself as a helper, but moves to take over the mans life. The man has enough, and pushes his clone out of a high skyscraper window at work. The man is fired, for making an unauthorized clone fall.
  • Brian NBrian N
    Classic Spoonerism @catsnbirds.


    Boy, Glen Coe never gets old does it? Probably my favourite part of Scotland. If you're not familiar with it it's featured in quite a few films including the scene where James Bond returns to his family home 'Skyfall'.
  • Brian NBrian N
    Hey @ixan57, I've just picked up a new contract. Cleaning the inside of a shark tank at the local aquarium.
  • Brian NBrian N
    Hi @kathy, what's wrong with O'bama? Thought you Irish stuck together.
  • Brian NBrian N
    Yes @tompuss, I've seen your videos. Here's a counterpoint, just in case anyone was thinking all cats are pussies...

    https://youtu.be/5sAF8gMN9c0
  • Brian NBrian N
    Oh BTW I'm back. Xx
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    https://youtu.be/m8JRwGzXhaI
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    Just watched Rocket Man. Hilarious start, including this song. But wouldn't really recommend the whole movie.
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    Glen Coe great. But Scotland in August? The midges always beat me.
  • Brian NBrian N
    Had a totally midge free time , think I'm too sweet, didn't even see Midge Ure. Virtually rain free as well.Lucky.
  • Brian NBrian N
    Had to laugh at Messi crying buckets at his press conference to inform the public that he's leaving Barcelona FC. Think I'm heartless?
    "So Lionel, tell us why you're leaving Barca after 20 years associated with the club? Are you retiring? Leaving for one last challenge before you hang up your boots? Going for a player/coach role at a smaller club?"
    "No, they 're in financial difficulty and can't afford my wages any more".
    TAKE A PAYCUT!!
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    See a window cleaner and his wife completed all 101 Olympic sports over the 17 days. Finished with a marathon. So you weren't in Glen Coe, were you?
  • HunnybunnyHunnybunny
    A catholic priest is called away, but does not want the confessional box left empty
    So he asks his Rabbi friend to take over, who needs some education on the situation.
    Come and sit with me, he says
    “Father, I have sinned, I have committed adultery”
    “How many times?”
    “Three” she replies
    “Say three Hail Mary and put £5 in the offering box”
    A second woman walks in
    “Father I have sinned, I have committed adultery”
    “How many times?”
    “Three”
    “Say three Hail Mary and put £5 in the offering box”
    The Rabbi is confident, so sends the priest away
    A third woman was in
    “Father, I have sinned, I have committed adultery”
    “How many times?”
    “Once”
    “Go away, and do it two more times, we have a special offer on”
  • HunnybunnyHunnybunny
    Desperate Dan glad you like my subliminal fourth line, nicked the joke from someone, and added it!

    Kathy sorry about the crown

    And on age, I’m younger than Madonna! But someone on the radio mentioned that 1972 was 49 years ago. That cannot be true...


  • HunnybunnyHunnybunny
    Only for the Brits
    Grealish has a £100m contract
    To put it into context
    That’s a family of five staying ten days at Centre Parks with three kids who want to do everything
  • Brian NBrian N
    I think they call them Snickers these days @desperatedan.

    You're on form tonight @hunnybunny. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
    He was just going through a stage.
  • Brian NBrian N
    Aha... Guess who's 30 today?

    https://youtu.be/hj63LflLIwk
  • KathyKathy
    Love the funnies everyone . @BrianN welcome back, happy to hear you had a nice staycation :)
    And what makes you think I don't like O' bama ¿ Maybe I just don't like actors ;)
    @catsnbirds I wish I could break out the Rolly Guy for that one:D heehee
    Actually I wish I could break out the Rolly Guy for all the jokes! maybe an executive order is needed :/
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    Think your trophy is safe today @kathy.
  • KathyKathy
    Thanks @DespersateDan I checked on it when I saw @comex666 made a video :D I'm always honoured (spelling check Bunny?) My KathyBoard types both English and Olde English it that's what you call it? I used to be good at spelling until I met someone better ;) When he makes a video of my strat, I think his second shot is what accidentally got me the one birder with a couple lucky bounces I can't be sure unless I actually try to repeat it though ..
    Nighty Night Birdie Friends ..
  • Brian NBrian N
    Rained off today, humongous showers, think local flooding a possibility.
    Hey @hunnybunny I noticed your jokes are nearly always based on sex and/or religion. You're not by any chance a nun with naughty habits?(Yes @tompuss that was straight from the Ministry of groan worthy jokes).
    Speaking of stereotypical male fantasies the Premier League season starts on Friday. Here's a song that sums up my feelings...

    https://youtu.be/8iwBM_YB1sE
  • Brian NBrian N
    My teenage daughter got so fed up of old people poking her at weddings and saying"You're next! "That she's started doing the same to them at funerals.
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    @kathy, I was trying the lower route which produced more unpredictable results to get that elusive 1 birder. Came close once.
  • KathyKathy
    Roflmao @BrianN.. HunnyBunny a Nun ¿? Lol!!
    Yeah @DesperateDan I got one of those 'I can't believe that happened" one birders !! Few and far between!!
  • Brian NBrian N
    Well guys, that was random. If I didn't know better @desperatedan it sounds like you're still playing yesterday's challenge.

    So you don't see @hunnybunny as a naughty nun @kathy? Just naughty.
  • KathyKathy
    Your words not mine @BrianN ;) answer to Mrs. Bunny ;~)
  • Brian NBrian N
    She's quiet tonight, maybe she's gone to bed. I think they have an early start at the convent. (those long floppy ears must be burning.)

    I'm sure she'll give me what for tomorrow. Anyway nite all.
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    Get thee to a nunnery.
  • Brian NBrian N
    Apparently in Shakespeare's day nunnery was a slang term for a brothel. This conversation is moving on apace isn't it?
  • Brian NBrian N
    It was the greatest fight that never was.
    It was Mayweather v Margarito, Fury v Joshua,Roy Jones v Nigel Benn.
    Who knows how it would've ended up. If only we knew someone in the BP who once worked in a library. Or someone who knows what it's like to be a nun. They could add some expertise to the subject in hand.
    "What's he talking about?" I hear you cry.
    Atilla the Nun v Conan the Librarian.
    I reckon nuns fight dirty, but librarians know every trick in the book. Box Office would've made a fortune.
  • ixan57ixan57
    @brianN i think the nuns would win hands down because they are always gossiping about something and would not listen to the librarians, their war cry shoosh be quite.
    Now if it is the monks sworn to a vow of silence it would be no contest. Mind you the spectators might be a problem shouting "come on you monks"
  • Brian NBrian N
    Did someone say 'Warcry'? Think those large ladies from the Salvation Army might give those monks a run for their money. Unless they were Shaolin monks, they're dead feisty.
  • HunnybunnyHunnybunny
    Nunny Bunny is back!
    I’m neither nun or librarian
    I like men and loud music

    Today’s joke
    My husband of 38 years died, and I missed Male company, so a went on dating site and found a French barman. We hit it off immediately, had a fabulous day out, even sex in the evening
    I think I have found my soul mate
    He’s even accompanying my to my husband’s funeral tomorrow

    Kathy will know the subliminal references!!!
  • Brian NBrian N
    Funny Bunny
  • Brian NBrian N
    Hey @hunnybunny gotta ask, 'even sex', is that as opposed to odd sex? Nite all.
  • KathyKathy
    Break out the Rolly Guy for @HunnyBunny she wins the joke of the day award :D
    Just what IS the award is you ask ¿ Only OB knows , and he hasn't said a peep in the almost 12 years I've known him!
  • KathyKathy
    Really 12 years?? Nahh just 11 years oohh I Must consult The Oracle..
    Ohh @Karen68 knower of All Things Nest , how long has it been??
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    I refer the honourable lady to the response from @ixan57 on page 3044 namely, 2nd August 2010 for construction of the nest.
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    I presume OB had turned up by then.
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    All depends on what the question actually is.
  • TomPussTomPuss
    @BrianN Wow, that’s one feisty feline!
  • Brian NBrian N
    Yep @tompuss if it was a monk it would be Shaolin.
    Did someone say Shaolin? Oh... that was me. Reminds me of a film I saw years ago called Shaolin Soccer. Has anyone else seen it? I forget the exact premise but remember crying with laughter at the extreme silliness of it all. But then Vic hitting Bob with a frying pan complete with sound effects has the same outcome. So that's probably no barometer of quality.
  • Brian NBrian N
    @desperatedan, did you refer to our @kathy as the honourable lady? Is that your offering for joke of the day? Think you might just win.

    Got an idea of what the prize should be @kathy. A free day trip to Penarth, rain included. Plus £10 spending money, that should buy several 3 course meals +drinks as I'm sure like the rest of Wales Penarth is stuck in the 1970's.But watch out for the crazy lady with the floppy ears.

    https://images.app.goo.gl/GWvxoqJZm6T1vquG9
  • Brian NBrian N
    Today's lunchtime bulletin brought to you from glorious Edzell, where all the tight wad lawyers retire and expect you to clean their windows for a pittance.
    One died the other week, he was so huge they couldn't find a coffin big enough. So they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox. TTFN.
  • TomPussTomPuss
    So cool. . International Space Station joins in the Olympic Games:

    https://youtu.be/FyH5adXIiyA
  • Desperate DanDesperate Dan
    Think I will fez up
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