Seniors on Angry Birds Nest Page 13
  • 1086 Comments
  • Lol @Hunnybunny, thanks for that . I have not had a purple patch, never got three birdies in a row!

    A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
    "Help me dear," she groans to her husband
    The husband called 911 on his mobile, talked for a few minutes, picked up his putter, and lined up his putt.
    His wife raised her head off the green and stared at him.
    "I'm dying here and you're putting?"
    "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
    "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
    "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
  • An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

    The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

    Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

    There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

    Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door.

    "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

    "Sally said, "No."

    Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

    Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

    The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

    Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

    The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here.
  • LOL @Mumsie, my wife liked it too!
    A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
    He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
    Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
    As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
    The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
  • Funny, funny, funny @hunnybunny.
  • @mumsie42, you've made me laugh my dentures off, guess I'll have to start remembering some good jokes so I too can get in on the action....anyone see dentures lying around some where?
  • No offence intended @hunnybunny. I loved your posting. My posting is about the comment, "no offense". People often make borderline comments and then say "no offense intended". If you feel the need to say "no offence", you might have offended someone. Unlike me at the moment, listen to that little voice in your head saying it could be construed as offensive. Don't say it. No offense intended. "No offense" is probably one of the most abused phrases in the English language. No offense intended to the English. In conclusion, I meant no offense to anyone in the preceding message. It's just senility setting in. No offense to the senile.
  • I think I meant no offence to Canadians, really!
    At least I can spell it, unlike you darned Americans.
    There I go, being offensive again

  • Slim, if you're out there, I know I'm probably in the wrong area, but I don't know where to post a general question about AB. Maybe someone can direct me to the area where that can be done. At least I qualify since Í'm a senior.

    This is a PC question. I'm thinking of upgrading to Windows 9 but before I do I'd like to find out if Angry Birds will work with it?

    Thanks so much for any help.

    Barbbjb
  • @Barbbjb
    Can't answer your question, play on iPad. Try going to forum and starting a new discussion, there's a tab on the right. Someone will know.
  • Excuse my rudeness, hello Barbbjb, hope you pop back into the seniors forum. Best jokes on the net!
  • @Barbbjb -- Well I said "Welcome to the Nest and the Seniors' Forum," but then I checked and you've been a member for several years. So at least welcome to the Seniors' Forum.
    If you want Slim to answer, you need to @mention him, as in
    @AMSlimfordy
    Hope you've found the answer to your question in the meantime.
  • My wife just said that the computer does not understand what she is trying to do.. I think computers don't like her.
  • @hunnybunny, "no offense intended". A little geography memory refresher:

    1) Canada, The United States, Mexico, Belize, Honduras, Guatemala, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama, Trinidad and Tobago, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Saint Lucia, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Jamaica, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Cuba, Grenada, Antigua and Barbuda, Bahamas, Barbados, and Dominica are all part of North America.

    2) Colombia, Venezuela, French Guiana, Guyana, Suriname, Brazil, Paraguay, Uruguay, Argentina, Chile, Bolivia, Peru and Ecuador are all part of South America.

    (Central America doesn't really exist, it's nothing more than a made up terminology).

    All these territories have one common denominator, they form what's commonly known as the Americas, therefore every person born in any of these territories or regions is in reality or technically an "American", or more politically correct a North American or South American.

    The fact that we, the people of the United States of America chose to call ourselves "Americans" exclusively, is a misconception on the part of the Founding Fathers of our great Country. Perhaps it's time we changed our name to the "United States of North America".

    If anyone should have any doubts that what I've written here is actual, then I suggest you Google "North American or South American countries".

    As I stated at the beginning of this brief refresher, "no offense or offence intended towards anyone".
  • @sadbird don't go there, if AngerManagement comes in he'll start talking about sovereign states recognised by the UN, overseas territories, and goodness knows what else. We've done this before.
    And at least Britain is recognised as Great. No offence, etc, etc
  • @hunnybunny, it it weren't for Western Europe, North and South America may well have been a country ruled by Eskimos and Lord only knows what name.
  • @hunnybunny I'm still laughing at that letter!! :D Beyond too funny!! I'm saving it for last in the joke fest for the parentage tonight and Thanks to the other funnies I have a very nice batch for them!!!
    @mumsie42 yours is still making me chuckle as well!!! :D
    It's going to be a very loud night filled with laughter!!!! Heehee
  • @Kimmiecv possible one for you tonight:
    The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
    She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
    He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

    Pardon me while I honor my late golf partner and brother in law.
    Jim was a veteran of WWII, joined when he was 16, a gunner on a B17 that was shotdown in the Black Sea and spent his 18th birthday in a German prison camp. My boyhood hero, and real life hero in my book.
  • @hunnybunny Thanks Hunnybunny, no problem. Yes I've been around for sometime, and actually I think I replied only one time in answer to who's the oldest in this forum. Thanks for the info. I should mention this really isn't a question just for Slim, but it just seems he always seems to be the one who answers my problem questions. Thanks again for the welcome.

    Barbbjb
  • LOL @wiiwillie that ones going on the list tonight too!! Thank you for more laughs!! :D

    @barbbjb you can always pop into BP (bloated pig forum) if you have a question as well, just post it there and eventually if not right away someone will either answer or tell you where the answer is and you can have a drink while you wait! Get to know some of the other nesters too. :)
  • Oh @barbbjb there is also a forum for PC users, not sure if its on the first page but that may be a good place to talk to peeps who use PCs they would for sure know lots about it.
  • @barbbjb, I play on a PC myself but with Windows 7 as my platform. I checked on Rovio's site and Windows 8 is not included as a supported platform. BTW, there's no Windows 9 yet.

    Edit; It seems that you can get Angry Birds from the Windows 8 App store, so I guess it's compatible after all...but only if you purchase AB from the Windows 8 App store.
  • Went shopping for dinner, got all the ingredients for our favourite pasta dish. Went to cook it, what had I forgotten? The pasta!
    Old age doesn't come alone, as my Mum used to say......
  • @hunnybunny, that's alright, it could have been worse, you get home all set to cook dinner and then realize you left the bags at the supermarket.
  • A minister went to the local golf course hoping to find someone to play with. As luck would have it, there was a member in the pro shop looking for a game, so they were introduced and went to the first tee.

    The member asked, "What's your handicap?"

    The minister replied, "I'm a twelve."

    The member said, "Oh, good, so am I. Would you like to bet a dollar a hole?"

    The minister agreed, and when they finished they went into the club house.

    As the minister was shelling out eighteen dollars to the member, he said, "Say, I'd like for you to come down to the church sometime."

    The member said, "'I'd like to do that."

    Then the minister added, "And bring your mother and father; I'd like to marry them."
  • Hee hee Mumsie
  • Ha ha, good one @mumsie42
  • Hey this month is the 1 year anniversary of this forum topic! And I'd be willing to bet it has never been off the 1st page. I haven't been able to be on here much lately but I still check in occasionally. I guess us old (who said that?) farts like to talk.

    I also bet @cosmo2503 didn't know what she was starting!
  • A story I'll tell of a burglar bold, who started to rob a house;
    He opened the window, and then crept in, as quiet as a mouse.

    He looked around for a place to hide, 'Till the folks were all asleep,
    Then said he, "With their money I'll take a quiet sneak."

    So under the bed the burglar crept; he crept up close to the wall;
    He didn't know it was an old maid's room or he wouldn't have had the gall.

    He thought of the money that he would steal, as under the bed he lay;
    But at nine o'clock he saw a sight that made his hair turn gray.

    At nine o'clock the old maid came in; "I am so tired," she said;
    She thought that all was well that night so she didn't look under the bed.

    She took out her teeth and her big glass eye, and the hair from off her head;
    The burglar, he had forty fits, as he watched from under the bed.

    From under the bed the burglar crept, he was a total wreck;
    The old maid wasn't asleep at all, and she grabbed him by the neck.

    She didn't holler, or shout or call, she was as cool as a clam;
    She only said, "The Saints be praised, at last I've got a man!"

    From under the pillow a gun she drew, and to the burglar she said,
    "Young man, if you don't marry me, I'll blow off the top of your head!"

    She held him firmly by the neck, he hadn't a chance to scoot;
    He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye, and said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"
  • 59 and addicted to AB, don't intend to stop playing anytime soon. Am just as addicted to my iPad and will be upgrading as new ones are released. Don't get to play as much as I would like because grumpy hubby thinks I'm too old for games.
  • @redzym -- Welcome to the seniors' forum. I was going to welcome you to ABN, but noticed you've been a member for several years! Maybe you should show your hubby this forum. You're never to old for Angry Birds (or other games). Some of the best players on the nest are proud seniors.
  • Welcome @redzym . Oh to be 59 again! Tell hubby you are too old when you can't move your finger!
  • A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
    "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
  • Heard it before @WiiWillie but it made me smile again. Keep em coming!
    @redzym I've got a grumpy old man as well. You are not alone!!

  • PUNOGRAPHY
    I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
    I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
    When chemists die, they barium.
    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
    I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .
    They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
    Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
    Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
    Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
    What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
    Broken pencils are pointless.
    What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
    All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
    Velcro - what a rip off!
    Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
    Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
    Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
    I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
    Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

    (my kind of humor)
  • @WiiWillie Milton Jones is right up your street. Do you know his stuff?
  • @wiiWillie -- My hubby actually laughed at your last joke, and said "Very good." From him that's as high a compliment as it gets!
  • @Hunnybunny Don't know if I do, not by name anyway.
    @mvnla2 glad he liked it, don't get too many compliments, will take it an run.

    My better half is watching "Salute to Vienna". If you are in a bar in Vienna and your drinking partner goes blind, did you drink a venation blind?

  • @Hunnybunny Milton Jones must have moved, went up the street and he wasn’t there. Must have been one of those who moved because they heard most accidents happen within 25 miles of home.
    No, really, looked up Milton, and yes he does have my type of humor, thanks.
  • Thanks @SadBird. I know we used to have a PC part, but believe the powers that be closed it saying that it had verved off whatever topic it was at the time. I could start a new thread, but that's ok. I've been advised not to change to 8 and to wait for 9 which I thought was just newly out. If not, I'll just hang tight till it is.

    Sorry @mvnla2 I just came back on the thread and saw you had commented----didn't mean to ignore you.

  • You're welcome @barbbjb, actually what's newly out is the upgrade from Windows 8 to Windows 8.1. Yes, it seems that the forum's topic veered off towards those PC'ers that were unhappy with the lack of AB updates for PC's, not that I'm too happy myself, but ABN can't really do anything about it, that's Rovio's job.
  • Hey @wiiwillie you forgot one,
    Why are some golfers so grumpy? They're always teed off.
  • Ladies, I have found the perfect way to get your grumpy old man (you know the one, built for comfort, not for speed) to move so quickly, you'll miss him in a blink of the eye!
    Get him to take you out for Sunday lunch, his turn to pay (we take turns, good on you if your other half always pays)
    Then sit outside, he enjoys his coffee, I enjoy my cigarette.
    The bill arrives, he gets out four crisp twenty pound notes to pay, puts them on the plate with the bill. A gust of wind, all those lovely crisp notes flying across the nearby car park. I have never seen him move so fast. All the other ladies sat outside were standing and cheering.
    Priceless!
  • @hunnybunny - hahaha! Can just imagine it! Reminds of the time when my daughters were teenagers and one of them came downstairs to nonchalantly report that she had dropped a contact lens behind the radiator in the bathroom but couldn't find it - I shot up there at the speed of light, because the radiator was on, ferreted about and retrieved said lens! My daughter said "that was amazing - how did you find it when I couldn't?" I replied "you were only looking for a contact lens - I was looking for £100"!!

    By the way Milton Jones is side achingly funny - saw him live last year - love him!
  • @mumsie love that contact lens story!
  • @Mumsie the needle in a haystack is hard to find is obsolete. try one contact lens in 50,000 gallons of water. Or would that be your 200,000 Litres in a swimming pool? We did find it when it came thru the filter the next day!
  • OMG! Makes a hot radiator ( the lens was somewhat crinkled when it was first retrieved!) seem paltry!
  • @Mumsie Must have been a soft contact?
  • Indeed it was - but a good soak in its solution restored it to its lovely former self!
  • Lol my contact lens story..@mvnla2 not as good as yours but funny

    Off to bed i went carefully placing my contacts in their case so i thought ( i am blind as a bat) -10.50 in each eye with astigmatism in left eye..morning comes only right contact in case left one no where to be found i stumble around one-eyed searching..all the while my kitty is following me wondering what the heck I'm doing crawling around on the floor for a good hour..
    Finally i yelled at kitty..frustrated and now out a day of Work i go back to sleep..only to wake anhabout half hour later with kitty on top pawing my face..with my contact lens carefully in her delicate lips..no teeth!!! No lie!! I couldn't believe it!! Once back in the soak it was good as new..not a mark..of course my boss didn't believe me at first but then thought about it and figured why would i call in sick And then make up an outrageously unbelievable story to cover my abutt s lol..
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