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Seniors on Angry Birds Nest Page 11
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1086 Comments
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Ron decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we
are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Ron gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't!“ -
Oh @mumsie, you so make me laugh, do you mind if i post your jokes on my facebook page? I just joined fb a couple of weeks ago to view my grandsons pics. The kids keep showing me the pics on their phones but even with my reading glasses i cant see that small anymore :-) so i never posted anything much but i would love to share these.
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Seriously need to pop in more often! @mumsie you got a belly laugh out of hubby...cheers!!! I won't show him the "work ethics" one as it might tip him over the edge and he'll quit his job........actually.....;)
@kimmie @bird_addict keep em coming girls! -
If I was a senior I would post about how funny your stories were. It's already hard to resist.
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Lol @theanonymousesomeone i think you pretty much just did!!heebhee they are funny huh?
There should be a forum for jokes for all ages:) appropriate v of course;) -
1963 vs. 2013 (a span of only 50 YEARS)
1963: Long hair
2013: Longing for hair
1963: KEG
2013: EKG
1963: Acid rock
2013: Acid reflux
1963: Moving to California because it's cool
2013: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1963: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2013: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1963: Seeds and stems
2013: Roughage
1963: Hoping for a BMW
2013: Hoping for a BM
1963: Going to a new, hip joint
2013: Receiving a new hip joint
1963: Rolling Stones
2013: Kidney Stones
1963: Passing the drivers' test
2013: Passing the vision tes -
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women! -
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' -
Picking Vegetables
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
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Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?' -
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.
The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly.
The doctor says, Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.
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uh...whad' ya say?
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Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow
that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw
the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I
felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played
"Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
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LMAO great one Kimmie! I sure didn't see that coming :D Thanks
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A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they managed to save his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around." -
Hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Too funny! Thanks @Mumsie :D -
silly, very silly, but still smiling
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Subject: What is Butt Dust?
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine... no adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mother breast-feeding his new baby sister...
and, after
a while he asked his Mom, 'Why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
to take the lid
off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained that it was a
child-proof cap, and she would have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4)She was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't
give me
this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom
asked what was troubling him? He replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is
he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife
looked
back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to
the flea?'
Kids say the darnest things.....
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...
This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began,
with arms extended toward heaven, and a rapturous look on his upturned
face...
'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that
moment my very obedient daughter who
was listening, leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?' -
@Mimsie that would be so cute to see :D
................... ....................... ...........................
Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?
John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"
Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"
"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." -
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago!
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@lamia I'm [Deleted by Admin] and very frequent around here. No need to worry :)
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My guess is that Twylatime is 68 years old. As for me, I'm 53, Have 3 starred all the ABs except for Rios, And can beat anyone younger than me that I know. Love it! BTW, Does anyone remember the video game "Asteroids"? I can remember playing that in the local drinking establishment. BD
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@Madancer lol be careful lots of these 'young uns' are pretty good flingers
I used to have asteroids on my kids Atari .. I am your age..believe me it's not all about 3 stars..have a look at the leaderboards some of our youngsters here in the nest do quite well..:)
Past my bedtime just wanted to say hi:) -
@AngryBirdsSpaceMaster please edit your comment...age...
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@WiiWillie Hi and welcome. I'm a mere spring chicken, only 53, but also loving the birds. There's loads of jokes on the seniors forum, but also pop into the Bloated Pig (also to be found in the Forum menu) We're all a bit mad there, but love talking about killing piggies, day to day stuff, killing piggies, and eating and drinking from the rather wonderful menu (mainly pig based!)
Hope to see you there soon -
Hi @wiiwillie and welcome from a mere 62 year old! Think you will get the answers to your questions here
http://www.angrybirdsnest.com/complete-angry-birds-star-wars-golden-droids-bonus-levels-guide/ -
@WiiWillie -- If we're laughing, we're laughing with you, not at you. In my case, I think I had the same problem, and I've been playing AB for years. Sometimes the "obvious" is not all that obvious.
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@WiiWillie -- The best place to ask for help if you don't know where to find it in the Nest is in the Bloated Pig forum. On your first visit you get free drinks and food (virtual of course, and a real warm welcome.
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@wiiwillie welcome...in my notification it looked like williewillie so now that song it's stuck in my head..hee hee
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One nice thing about being old and telling jokes, you can tell old ones and some of you will think it is new! I enjoy the jokes here, most are new to me, or was it I forgot I heard it?
I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting in long lines, crowds, lawyers, unruly kids, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, sore and that's just my right leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.....
I'm beginning to realize that ageing is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
We had this old guy working here, Phil was so old that when God said “Let there be Light”, he said “thank you!”
Don’t worry about old age, it doesn’t last long
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